Tabs

I have been sitting with this tab open to write my first entry for hours, but I have been stuck. Instead distracting myself with other things like work, business ideas, chores, social media, overthinking..etc.

This describes my life right now. 

What happens after you get something you prayed for? What happens when God responds to your prayers and moves mountains so that you can get exactly what you prayed for? After every sweat and tear you put in those prayers and healing. After every act of obedience and remaining faithful. When the Great I Am Lovingkindness blesses us.. What happens next. 

What identity do I take now? Who am I in this current season of blessing? and what am I suppose to do now to get to the next place He wants me to be in. <<< He will exalt more and more>> 

These are questions I have been asking myself for a year now.

As I am typing and thinking right now, God tells me right now you are suppose to be healing. I did a lot of spiritual warfare and fasting 2019-2021. I prayed for everything that I have now. A Husband, a home, a new more peaceful state I am living in, and stability, Man, just thinking about it all brings tears to my eyes. Despite having all this I still go through a lot both emotionally and spiritually.(I am a Woman after all *insert emoji with lashes and nails*)  Honestly, I can see how this would be the right moment for me to sit still and heal parts of me that need it and that I don't even know need healing.

But my days are so busy now with work and managing a household. I don't want to use this as an excuse though. I should make time for my healing. 

Anyways, so at this current season of my life I have many tabs open and many things that I want to do, would love to learn, would love to create, would love to start exercising and eating healthier, would love to make passive income, etc. All I do however is just think about these things without really putting effort. I want to say that God is helping and guiding me in all my ways but I feel so overwhelmed with all these open tabs. Often times I wonder how do I just close them and let Him just guide me. 

The same thing for my healing. I am asking questions like God is google.com. What do you need me to heal? How do I heal? How do I do that? I dont think I know what I am doing...? Where are you? I just want to be in fetal position in your presence feeling your love because this is hard..? Should I ask this person this question because I have no clue what is going on in my life? Why is so-and-so not speaking to me anymore? Okay back to healing, God I just don't feel like I am doing enough, am I doing enough for you? 

Lord help me. LOL! (I just want you guys to see what I put him through)

He is constantly speaking to me though. He talks back... He says: Get up and get moving; Why are you eating that?; Well if you want to heal then you have to put effort to do things that bring you closer to me.; *Silence with a side of Love*; Child if you don't stop procrastinating how will you do the things you are praying for?; This information here is what you need to understand what you are going through *shows me books, shows me healing videos, shows me my journal (lol), shows me a lot of things*; *Gives me revelations*.. I forget right away.

Sometimes I feel like I can't describe or don't know how to express things that He reveals to me so in turn I just open all these tabs. I think that is why I started this journal. I would do an audio thing, but I feel like sometimes I need to sit and write things down because it gives me time to think about what I want to say. Whereas, having conversations with people or even trying to record this,  I probably would not know how to say things. 

I have a personal journal but its an on and off relationship right now. I use to write in my journal all the time. I just think that once I finished all the pages to my first journal it was over. I just haven't found THEE journal again. Maybe it's suppose to be this one instead. I don't know yet. In my first journal I wrote a lot about my spiritual warfare, I wrote prayers. I wrote about things that hurt me. Situations that happened that were still breaking my heart. I also prayed and wrote a lot pertaining to my Husband. Truth be told I met him through a mutual friend and then Him and I stayed friends. God showed me in a dream maybe two months after we met that he would be my Husband. So of course I didn't tell him that until we were engaged but I did however write to God in my journal about my Husband to be and I wrote many prayers and supplications. I also wrote down many spiritual, personal, financial, and healthy goals I want to achieve. And some I achieved, all Glory to God, some are still pending. Then I ran out of space. I have gone through maybe 2 to 3 journals. None are finished, just started. The last one I got was very cute. I write in it here and there. Sometimes I make spiritual notes. However, it just doesn't feel like my first journal. Again, what happens next!?

I feel like I completed my first journal, like I completed a mission and now I have been blessed. But I know for certain there is more for me to do. I will remain faithful to God and know that He will guide me for sure. 

I have many things I do want to share. Especially my experiences and my constant thoughts. Hoping I am not alone in this life going through the same motions. 

I can say though that I have been trying my best to understand this season as much as I can. There is so many things that God has taught me and I can't even put all in here. I just would not know how to. GodGoogle.com has really helped me and guided me, even if I feel lost and everywhere. God has revealed so many self healing practices that I need in order to understand what's going on and how to heal and what to heal. For example, my beloved Husband bought some books prior to us getting married which he told me at that time he did not know why he bought them but now he does. They were meant for me... hehe <3. Anyways..... lol. The books are called "Healing in the Hebrew Months". Ladies pay attention! We all know there are seasons. There are certain things we do in these seasons. I honestly have no idea what I am doing right now.. but I can tell you that reading these books is giving me so much understanding and guidance at this moment. Seasons are also cycles, just like your menses. We go through cycles every month ladies. 

So this month, or rather beginning July 18, (New Moon) started the month of AV. This is what the book shows for this Month (until the next New Moon which will occur on 8/17) regarding healing

Month: AV

Meaning: Father

Blessing: Sonship, Father's promises.

Area of Healing: Father wounds, self-worth

Action Needed: Be bold in going after the promise

Warfare: Guard against listening to bad counsel

Tribe: Judah (meaning Let him be praised)

Gate (from the 12 gates in Jerusalem): Dung Gate (Cleansing, throwing out what is no longer needed)

Constellation: Leo (The Lion of the Tribe of Judah, ruling and reigning)

I can really say that the area of healing is definitely something I have been talking to God about A LOT this month. Mostly the self-worth. I have to start believing in myself that I can do anything the Lord has put in my life to do. Whatever that may look like. Even this blog. I have been wanting to do something where I share my experiences and it has been well over, I'd say about a month or two, where I have been saying I am going to do something and I don't. Mostly because I felt doubt that people will read, or engage, or enjoy or even relate. Also, because in real life I have a hard time expressing myself so I shut down. So I miss opportunities to talk with people and minister to them or just fellowshipping because I don't have an ounce of confidence in myself. I definitely need to work on that. I am and I will. 

For the little time I have left on this month. I am going to try and focus on the above. 

I am telling you guys, maybe I needed this more than y'all. I love writing. 

Prayerfully, something I wrote inspired you or allowed you to feel a sense of peace knowing that someone else (me) is going through the same thing.

Peace, Love, & Light. ~ CM

P.S. I hope writing helps me figure out what to do next. I also hope God is happy with me for starting this blog finally. Godgoogle.com: please tell me if this is the way. Thank you.